Wasn't surprised to read in Wise Aging that Jewish tradition speaks of the importance of asking for forgiveness - what did startle me was it saying that if you try three times without response, give it a rest. Come to terms with your own issues above your role in whatever the grievance, but otherwise let it go. You did your best to say, "I'm sorry that I did such & so, I intend to show my contrition by xyz." Move on.
I was VERY surprised to learn that the opposite is true in offering someone a tender-hearted rebuke. Keep trying. Don't give up.
Still processing that. I expected the two to be reversed - keep trying to be graced with forgiveness; give a rebuke your best shot, then call it a day.
From my earliest memories, rebuke - or the lack of it - has played a major part in my life. There were times when I so thoroughly deserved a rebuke without getting it. As someone who suffered an unimaginably horrific loss in my early years, at a time when grief was stifled instead of respected & addressed, to a family who largely shielded their eyes from the difficult, my way of trying to get discussion rolling was to act out, HOPING for rebuke as some form of connection, even if negative. (Hadn't thought that out, but clearly acted on it.) It never came - which isn't to say I didn't keep trying, even into my 30s!
My mother, my sister, my oldest brother - none of them seemed to have the slightest concept of offering a well-intentioned rebuke that came from a place of love. As for receiving them - ha! Not likely.
Once, probably going on thirty years ago, I asked Mom why she never asked Peter or Mim for help of any sort. She answered, "Why should I ask when I know what their answer will be?" Maybe she grasped before her death my point that there is power in asking the question, whatever the answer. Maybe not. At least she heard me suggest it.
This all came up yesterday, sitting in our stout-hearted & true Concorde, between chauffeuring Peter to shopping spots from Norristown to Plymouth Meeting to Valley Forge. While he pumped sales personnel on smart phones & tablets, John not far in case my somewhat wobbly bro needed a hand, I was out in the car, reading Rabbi Esther Adler description "sacred nagging," which she - like I - sees as a sign of love. "If I decide that there is no point in raising the issue because I won't be heard or because 'she'll never change anyway,' I am writing that person off, forgetting that she, too, is created in the image of God."
Boy, did that make me sit up straight, in stunned appreciation. Have believed that all my life. Am blessed to be married to someone who gets it, too, who knows that the quality of our life, together & separately, largely depends on our ability to offer & receive well-intentioned, tender-hearted rebukes. I need it from him, BIG time. Praise be, he delivers.
Rabbi Yosi bar Chanina was right up front with its importance when he said, "Any love that does not include rebuke is not really love." Amen to that!
Wise Aging notes that offering or withholding criticism must originate in love. The authors suggest that "getting in touch with our respect, affection, or love of the other individual is the best way for us to determine whether, how or when to offer rebuke. This kind of deep love, expansiveness of spirit, and risk taking can often open up new possibilities" for the give & take that's ideal with offering wholehearted, healthy criticism.
What a blessing it was to marry someone who has the rare trait of being able to disagree without being disagreeable. Our 27 years of loving partnership have been wondrously educational for me. As an only child, without close relatives or a lot of personal friends, who as a freelancer worked solo rather than as part of a work team, it is astonishing how effectively my husband can discuss sensitive situations openly, in a remarkably neutral manner. It is a marvel. John is a master at disagreeing without being critical (in its negative sense) & can listen to criticisms (in the positive sense of the word) without growing defensive.
Although I'd always believed that to be possible, had never seen it play out that way - until John.
What amazes me, looking back over the years, is that I never gave up my belief in the possibility, the power of compassionate rebukes that were received in the spirit they were offered, respected for coming from love & built upon, even where there was disagreement.
Chalk it up to being my father's daughter. In my own experience, Dad had the gift of delivering a tender-hearted rebuke. That doesn't mean it wasn't hard to hear or that an accompanying consequence wasn't harsh - but they were, in my memory, fair & given from that all-important place of love.
Ever since reading over the caches of letters from & to sibs, have been thinking about Kerry & her citing all the times she had cause to rebuke me - and, from her own words, didn't. Imagine if she had. What a difference that could have made in both our lives, in the lives of those we love.
This came home to me yesterday, sitting in the cozy warm car, reading:
Why is rebuke so important? When we are in a relationship with someone, and we withhold criticism, we can contribute to the fraying of our bonds. When we fail to speak up, we lose the opportunity to better understand what has happened and the other person's actual intentions. Letting our assumptions stand may lead to a misunderstanding that simmers and undermines the good feeling and trust we have for another. By not speaking up, we may take on a degree of responsibility for the other person's actions. We become complicit in wrongful behaviors.
Amen & hallelujah!
Wasn't surprised to read in Wise Aging that Jewish tradition speaks of the importance of asking for forgiveness - what did startle me was it saying that if you try three times without response, give it a rest. Come to terms with your own issues above your role in whatever the grievance, but otherwise let it go. You did your best to say, "I'm sorry that I did such & so, I intend to show my contrition by xyz." Move on.
I was VERY surprised to learn that the opposite is true in offering someone a tender-hearted rebuke. Keep trying. Don't give up.
Still processing that. I expected the two to be reversed - keep trying to be graced with forgiveness; give a rebuke your best shot, then call it a day.
From my earliest memories, rebuke - or the lack of it - has played a major part in my life. There were times when I so thoroughly deserved a rebuke without getting it. As someone who suffered an unimaginably horrific loss in my early years, at a time when grief was stifled instead of respected & addressed, to a family who largely shielded their eyes from the difficult, my way of trying to get discussion rolling was to act out, HOPING for rebuke as some form of connection, even if negative. (Hadn't thought that out, but clearly acted on it.) It never came - which isn't to say I didn't keep trying, even into my 30s!
My mother, my sister, my oldest brother - none of them seemed to have the slightest concept of offering a well-intentioned rebuke that came from a place of love. As for receiving them - ha! Not likely.
Once, probably going on thirty years ago, I asked Mom why she never asked Peter or Mim for help of any sort. She answered, "Why should I ask when I know what their answer will be?" Maybe she grasped before her death my point that there is power in asking the question, whatever the answer. Maybe not. At least she heard me suggest it.
This all came up yesterday, sitting in our stout-hearted & true Concorde, between chauffeuring Peter to shopping spots from Norristown to Plymouth Meeting to Valley Forge. While he pumped sales personnel on smart phones & tablets, John not far in case my somewhat wobbly bro needed a hand, I was out in the car, reading Rabbi Esther Adler description "sacred nagging," which she - like I - sees as a sign of love. "If I decide that there is no point in raising the issue because I won't be heard or because 'she'll never change anyway,' I am writing that person off, forgetting that she, too, is created in the image of God."
Boy, did that make me sit up straight, in stunned appreciation. Have believed that all my life. Am blessed to be married to someone who gets it, too, who knows that the quality of our life, together & separately, largely depends on our ability to offer & receive well-intentioned, tender-hearted rebukes. I need it from him, BIG time. Praise be, he delivers.
Rabbi Yosi bar Chanina was right up front with its importance when he said, "Any love that does not include rebuke is not really love." Amen to that!
Wise Aging notes that offering or withholding criticism must originate in love. The authors suggest that "getting in touch with our respect, affection, or love of the other individual is the best way for us to determine whether, how or when to offer rebuke. This kind of deep love, expansiveness of spirit, and risk taking can often open up new possibilities" for the give & take that's ideal with offering wholehearted, healthy criticism.
What a blessing it was to marry someone who has the rare trait of being able to disagree without being disagreeable. Our 27 years of loving partnership have been wondrously educational for me. As an only child, without close relatives or a lot of personal friends, who as a freelancer worked solo rather than as part of a work team, it is astonishing how effectively my husband can discuss sensitive situations openly, in a remarkably neutral manner. It is a marvel. John is a master at disagreeing without being critical (in its negative sense) & can listen to criticisms (in the positive sense of the word) without growing defensive.
Although I'd always believed that to be possible, had never seen it play out that way - until John.
What amazes me, looking back over the years, is that I never gave up my belief in the possibility, the power of compassionate rebukes that were received in the spirit they were offered, respected for coming from love & built upon, even where there was disagreement.
Chalk it up to being my father's daughter. In my own experience, Dad had the gift of delivering a tender-hearted rebuke. That doesn't mean it wasn't hard to hear or that an accompanying consequence wasn't harsh - but they were, in my memory, fair & given from that all-important place of love.
Ever since reading over the caches of letters from & to sibs, have been thinking about Kerry & her citing all the times she had cause to rebuke me - and, from her own words, didn't. Imagine if she had. What a difference that could have made in both our lives, in the lives of those we love.
This came home to me yesterday, sitting in the cozy warm car, reading:
Why is rebuke so important? When we are in a relationship with someone, and we withhold criticism, we can contribute to the fraying of our bonds. When we fail to speak up, we lose the opportunity to better understand what has happened and the other person's actual intentions. Letting our assumptions stand may lead to a misunderstanding that simmers and undermines the good feeling and trust we have for another. By not speaking up, we may take on a degree of responsibility for the other person's actions. We become complicit in wrongful behaviors.
Amen & hallelujah!
Wasn't surprised to read in Wise Aging that Jewish tradition speaks of the importance of asking for forgiveness - what did startle me was it saying that if you try three times without response, give it a rest. Come to terms with your own issues above your role in whatever the grievance, but otherwise let it go. You did your best to say, "I'm sorry that I did such & so, I intend to show my contrition by xyz." Move on.
I was VERY surprised to learn that the opposite is true in offering someone a tender-hearted rebuke. Keep trying. Don't give up.
Still processing that. I expected the two to be reversed - keep trying to be graced with forgiveness; give a rebuke your best shot, then call it a day.
From my earliest memories, rebuke - or the lack of it - has played a major part in my life. There were times when I so thoroughly deserved a rebuke without getting it. As someone who suffered an unimaginably horrific loss in my early years, at a time when grief was stifled instead of respected & addressed, to a family who largely shielded their eyes from the difficult, my way of trying to get discussion rolling was to act out, HOPING for rebuke as some form of connection, even if negative. (Hadn't thought that out, but clearly acted on it.) It never came - which isn't to say I didn't keep trying, even into my 30s!
My mother, my sister, my oldest brother - none of them seemed to have the slightest concept of offering a well-intentioned rebuke that came from a place of love. As for receiving them - ha! Not likely.
Once, probably going on thirty years ago, I asked Mom why she never asked Peter or Mim for help of any sort. She answered, "Why should I ask when I know what their answer will be?" Maybe she grasped before her death my point that there is power in asking the question, whatever the answer. Maybe not. At least she heard me suggest it.
This all came up yesterday, sitting in our stout-hearted & true Concorde, between chauffeuring Peter to shopping spots from Norristown to Plymouth Meeting to Valley Forge. While he pumped sales personnel on smart phones & tablets, John not far in case my somewhat wobbly bro needed a hand, I was out in the car, reading Rabbi Esther Adler description "sacred nagging," which she - like I - sees as a sign of love. "If I decide that there is no point in raising the issue because I won't be heard or because 'she'll never change anyway,' I am writing that person off, forgetting that she, too, is created in the image of God."
Boy, did that make me sit up straight, in stunned appreciation. Have believed that all my life. Am blessed to be married to someone who gets it, too, who knows that the quality of our life, together & separately, largely depends on our ability to offer & receive well-intentioned, tender-hearted rebukes. I need it from him, BIG time. Praise be, he delivers.
Rabbi Yosi bar Chanina was right up front with its importance when he said, "Any love that does not include rebuke is not really love." Amen to that!
Wise Aging notes that offering or withholding criticism must originate in love. The authors suggest that "getting in touch with our respect, affection, or love of the other individual is the best way for us to determine whether, how or when to offer rebuke. This kind of deep love, expansiveness of spirit, and risk taking can often open up new possibilities" for the give & take that's ideal with offering wholehearted, healthy criticism.
What a blessing it was to marry someone who has the rare trait of being able to disagree without being disagreeable. Our 27 years of loving partnership have been wondrously educational for me. As an only child, without close relatives or a lot of personal friends, who as a freelancer worked solo rather than as part of a work team, it is astonishing how effectively my husband can discuss sensitive situations openly, in a remarkably neutral manner. It is a marvel. John is a master at disagreeing without being critical (in its negative sense) & can listen to criticisms (in the positive sense of the word) without growing defensive.
Although I'd always believed that to be possible, had never seen it play out that way - until John.
What amazes me, looking back over the years, is that I never gave up my belief in the possibility, the power of compassionate rebukes that were received in the spirit they were offered, respected for coming from love & built upon, even where there was disagreement.
Chalk it up to being my father's daughter. In my own experience, Dad had the gift of delivering a tender-hearted rebuke. That doesn't mean it wasn't hard to hear or that an accompanying consequence wasn't harsh - but they were, in my memory, fair & given from that all-important place of love.
Ever since reading over the caches of letters from & to sibs, have been thinking about Kerry & her citing all the times she had cause to rebuke me - and, from her own words, didn't. Imagine if she had. What a difference that could have made in both our lives, in the lives of those we love.
This came home to me yesterday, sitting in the cozy warm car, reading:
Why is rebuke so important? When we are in a relationship with someone, and we withhold criticism, we can contribute to the fraying of our bonds. When we fail to speak up, we lose the opportunity to better understand what has happened and the other person's actual intentions. Letting our assumptions stand may lead to a misunderstanding that simmers and undermines the good feeling and trust we have for another. By not speaking up, we may take on a degree of responsibility for the other person's actions. We become complicit in wrongful behaviors.
Amen & hallelujah!
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