Light, they say, is the best disinfectant. Ditto with transparency. Well, events have conspired, combined, clicked together in such a way that the Universe seems to be saying, with a megaphone, "Enough is enough. The darkness stops here, now."
I quite agree.
It dawned on me last night that I've hit an essential wall. A couple days ago, my well-being coach ~ my well-being coach! ~ joined the cacophony of voices that have, over the length & breadth of this life, assured me that my brother really & truly is my brother, really & truly is a part of my family.
No, Jane - he is not. Or maybe the accurate answer is YES, he is my brother, he is part of my family. I'm just not, nor ever have been, part of his.
It is exhausting, having to go through not having an emotional family & then having others insist that my assessment is wrong wrong wrong, that OF COURSE they're part of my life. No, they truly are not. They never have been. And any story anyone cares to spin that says anything else is a fib.
A comforting fib, but a lie none the less.
Looking over the cache of letters that resurfaced yesterday during the Big Dig, it is clear. My sibs hadn't a clue what I envisioned by being a family. A family is there for each other, are happy to do things that might be mega inconvenient because a brother or sister or parent needs it, appreciate if not always enjoy each others existence. A lot of what I'm going to share y'all have heard before. Please bear with me.
My sister-in-law experienced my late teens/early twenties self as insufferably rude. One reason she was happy to be living in Australia & not the USA was because "She (me) can't hurt me here." I am no different now than back then - while some folks might find me irritating & irksome, have only heard "rude" & "vitriolic" from within my family.
When she was attending college at the University of Houston, my sister famously wrote Mom, "I'm not getting a TV - I didn't really want to spend the money. But I am renting one for two dollars every Monday (for 24 hours) so I can see Big Valley and keep open communications with Elsa." My adored older sister considered me such a brainless wonder, she watched a western in order to have something we could talk about. And people scratch their heads in disbelief that I ever saw myself as a dullard. Folks, that fallacy was firmly rooted in family perception.
Peter didn't include me as part of his 12 step process of owning up to past wrongs he'd inflicted, apologizing & pledging to make amends. He didn't include me because, as he explained, "Why would I include you? I wasn't in your life enough to hurt you." The only way he could remember not being an inescapable part of my life was if he simply didn't see me. Peter saw me whe it was convenient to him, when he needed something. As I struggled to describe the dynamic to Mom, my experience with him was of being visible to the degree I was valuable. I didn't see or say that with rancor - it was part of the background to my life.
Even in the earliest years of our acquaintance, Kerry described me to Mom as being so unbearably rude, when I entered a room, she immediately wanted to leave. I was so clueless, had no idea how deeply I affected her.
As for Mike - he's clear that he agrees with whatever Kerry says.
My reality is that my family has been massively dysfunctional from my earliest days. It took until late summer/early autumn 1998 for me to come unraveled, to start emotionally falling apart.
Louise Stevens once told me that dysfunctional families can function just fine - as long as everyone remains in the dysfunction, that the problems happen when one of them steps outside the family norm.
That was me. In 1998, had been married going on ten years. Married to someone who was whole & emotionally healthy. Felt rent apart, with healthy & whole John on my one side, Mom on my other. Reached out to my sibs for help figuring out a path forward that would care for Mom without tossing me to the wolves. It did not go well. Peter & Mim would, within a matter of months, withdraw totally from our lives. As for Mike & Kerry... If ever there was a clear description of just how invisible I was to my family, it's found in a 10/13/98 letter written by Kerry & signed by both:
We are very upset that Mom has been distressed by recent family events over there.
Our major concern is for her happiness & good health and whatever is discussed amongst the family remains completely focused wholly & soley on her best interests. Mother is 88 years old and we really hope that she will be comfortable and not in any emotional or physical distress during the years remaining. It is our desire that she remain close to Bryn Athyn, where her church, family, friends & support systems are located.
Our major concern following on from your letters and conversations with Peter and Mim is that Mother will really become distressed if she has to leave your place because of conflict.
Michael and I are not going to buy into splitting over issues. The central theme, from our point of view, is Mum and her desire for change in whatever direction she chooses and how we can support that.
I must say that I am surprised that you still see yourself as the lynchpin (my words) for keeping the family together, Elsa. We believe that you have assumed far more than is required. We see that each & every member of the family has individual responsibility there and have exercised that responsibility many times over. Mike and I both believe in the principle that it is our individual right and responsibility for our own physical and mental well being. Best wishes to John and yourself.
Of course Mom was the ONLY issue. To my sibs, there was no ME to take into consideration.
So, here we be. Jane's difficulty accepting that it felt really & truly like my sibs, even my parents, never felt that I had place in the family was the last straw. There are reasons I feel as I do. And starting here & now, am spelling them out. It's not simply long overdue catharsis. Once down, I can let that weirdness stay in the past, 'cause it's sure gunking up my forward progress.
The weirdness will stop here, so the wonder & wow can start everywhere else.
No comments:
Post a Comment