letting things come up

For all of her adult life, Mom's great "salvation" was in obstinately not seeing what was right in front of her.  Salvation is in quotes, since it was anything but.  What felt like it was keeping her safe was actually just keeping her blind.

Throughout my life, Mom did whatever it took to keep unpleasant things from coming up.  Suppression lead to repression.  It would take a major emotional upheaval for Mom to finally get a glimmer of that reality.

When Kerry & Mike came for their son's college graduation, an issue came up that I addressed in just about the worst way imaginable.  From my timing to my approach to my wording, it was a disaster.  I brought it up to Kerry without Mike, on their last night, during a party.  Wrong wrong wrong.  

Not that it was just the two of us.  Mom & Mim were there, too - at my request.  I've long considered it essential to have neutral ears at a sensitive discussion.  Did I understand the other person's feelings?  Did I miss something?  What did the bystanders take away?  When I asked them to be there, I stressed to both that the issue at hand was mine & mine alone.  If Kerry gave a thumbs down, thumbs down it was.  I explained that it would be a win for me no matter what;  if I openly addressed a sensitive issue at what felt like an appropriate time, that would be the win for me.  They were there as witnesses, not participants.   

As mentioned earlier, it did not go well, although we were clueless at that point just how badly it had gone.  Kerry heard me out, admitted that yes she did say that we should be open about difficult situations but that in this case she wished I hadn't said anything, shared her take on the situation, denied my request.  

It all seemed enlightening & civilized.  For my part, had brought up the touchy topic, was illuminated by Kerry's input, accepted her denial of request. Little did I know how swiftly everything would blow up, all because Mom could not stay silent. 

It had to be Mom who talked to Mike, not Mim.  Mim, like Mom, had given her word to accept Kerry's answer, whatever it was.  What I did not know at the time was that Mom, unlike Mim, could not keep her word if she felt an injustice was being done.  From the best we can piece together, she did talk to Mike, without Kerry present, and he agreed.  And that was the flash point for all hell breaking loose the next morning.  

And here is where we get to the importance of letting things come up.  The person who talked to Mike had to have been Mom.  Mim said it wasn't her, which made sense.  It wasn't in Mim's nature to go against her word.  Although I didn't realize it until that seminal moment, Mom took a completely different view of things - if she felt she could set things right, that was all she needed to know.  Even if she promised not to.  Which, in hindsight, I can see made sense for her - Mom's actions were always more about her perception of someone's wants, not their needs.  

It did not go well.  At all.  But it opened the way for a key facet of Mom's character to become part of the story - if something Mom did fell apart, she wiped any part in it from her memory.  I'd later learn that this was how she'd survived being the sole family support of her horrific mother.  She did whatever it took to make reality bearable, including complete disavowal.  

The original conversation went poorly, but good things happened as the result of everything - everything - that came after.  Things about me that disturbed my sister-in-law finally came up & laid out in full view.  My sense of being deeply disliked - something Mom always strongly refuted - was confirmed.  Most important, Mom started to have an inkling that maybe, just maybe, her almost lifelong approach to life & living was hurting, not helping, others & herself.

That chink in her armor would, over the next 18 months, become the crack that allowed her to realize she needed professional counseling, that far providing genuine relief, the way she'd taken to keep unhappy reality at arm's length often resulted in pain & suffering.  

Somewhere, my straight-shooting Dad is smiling.  At this moment - right now, writing this - it dawns on me for the first time that if I hadn't so completely bungled doing what I so wrongly thought my sister-in-law wanted me to do (bring up a difficult matter, rather than bury it), things that needed to naturally come up might have forever stayed suppressed.  It wasn't easy, went against my lifelong nurture, but I did it.  Did it badly, I admit, but did it.  

Things didn't go as I'd hoped, they certainly didn't go like I ever could have expected, but ultimately the situation let things come up.  And, oh the new paths that cleared!