The hits keep comin'

Came across a small piece of lined page with a couple sentences in Mom's writing.  No idea what the first two sentences refer to - Comparing these two letters is confusing.  They contracted each other.

The others are clearly directed to Kerry ~ You wanted me to say what I feel and think.  When I did, you were offended.  Please know that I love you and want what is fair for you and for me.

Interesting thing - she first wrote "good," then crossed it out & wrote in "fair."  

What's the difference between good & fair?  Worth a ponder.  

And I can understand why Kerry - and maybe even Mike - would be unsettled reading such a comment from Mom.  It was so unlike her.  The Mom they knew would never have thought about herself.  

Gee, it's good reading that, seeing it in her own fist.  She did amaze.

 

not registering

FACT:  There are countless things that my husband totally nails in our relationship.  There are a few that are a challenge.  A couple that are beyond his ken, flat-out aren't on his radar, absolutely not registering in his psyche until I shake my head in disbelief.  

If those things were giving points to indicate their importance, the couple that just don't, never will register are at the top.  They are the ones that leave me feeling the most nakedly vulnerable, that go zap! straight to my once crushed & crumpled heart. 

Love that word - once.  Because while it still irks me, they don't emotionally devastate me as they did.  Am looking forward to it not even irking me anymore.

The reality is that I was open from the earliest days of our relationship about the things that left me feeling emotionally gutted.  Did what I was able.  And if John was able to do things differently, that would cut me up.  But there's no changing something that doesn't register.  It's not on his radar & no amount of my getting whacked out is putting it there.

So, recognize that he grinds me down only >< much in our relationship - and that  ><  s 100% unintentional - while lifting me up...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>  <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
much.  Comparing the profit to loss columns, I clearly come out waaaaaay ahead! 

And think of the endless opportunities it offers for my greater personal growth....

another sweet dream

A couple days ago, Peter asked if I had Karen's current address & phone number, as well as Mike & Kerry's phone number in their relatively new digs.  If Mim had been alive, she would have had all of them.  Mim was the touch stone of our family, connecting to each of us.  Without her, we are rudderless.

And without the info Peter requested.  Asked Karen for an update of all the Aussie side of the clan;  hoping to hear back soon.  But I have never had an address or phone # for either of Peter's children.  Don't have Scott's.  And I wouldn't feel okey-dokey asking for them - sort of not done.  

BUT last night had a wonderful dream that built off of Peter's request in a lovely, affirming way.  Mom was gone, but Mim was still with us.  And Peter & Mim & I were all in comfortable contact with each other & about to reach out to Mike & Kerry.  We weren't close, but we were all talking to the others.  

At the end of the dream, right before I woke up at 5:23 a.m., John & I marveled that we were all in healthy, caring contact with each other.  Not close or good buddies, but present & listening.  The thought that occurred to the dream-state me, thought but unspoken, was, "Mom would have been amazed by this.  It is astonishing what can happen when you let people be genuinely visible, without judgement."

Pretty good principle to live by, but not always possible.  Some people won't let themselves be visible, because they judge themselves.  Which is sad, but has never, will never keep me from doing my best to see their whole self through loving eyes.  

Definitely another sweet dream.  Bring on the next!

terrific Mother's Day present - from MOM!

 

When I wrote, "Oh my gosh - ya can't make this stuff up!" in last month's dear void #2, had NO idea how beyond spot-on it was.

Mentioned my wish that I had the letter from Mom to which Kerry had written her impassioned response, the note she described as "the letter to beat all," the one that hurt her "more than I knew possible."

Well, much to my astonishment, it showed up today in a file of unrelated bits & pieces.

This is the letter that tore Kerry apart, the one Mike faulted with alienating her children:

Feb 20. 1999

Dear Peter, Mike & Kerry, Mim, Elsa & John

I realize that I have always agreed with each of my children because I have been afraid not to agree with them - you.

With the exception of Mike & John, I haven't felt safe talking to any of you.

I am so glad that I am working on not feeling that way.  It is a beginning.

William James said, "A human being will change his life by changing his attitude of mind."  That's me.

Would like to talk about it?

Much love - Mom, Mum, Mother

 

Reading that, a letter I haven't seen for 17 years, got me to asking - What did my brother & s-i-l read that made them think the letter was about Kerry & not about MOM?  

Read Mom's note again.  This is the letter that compelled Mike to reply, "I would like to say that whoever you are talking to or having consul with is driving a large wedge between the family and you."  

If such a clearly written letter could be so wildly misconstrued to be an attack on any of the recipients, rather than a confession by the writer about unfairly prejudging us - well, it's easy to see how unpredictable personal issues can conspire to trigger epic misunderstandings. 

How poignant to find this treasure on Mother's Day, while rearranging the Front Room (previously Mom's) bookshelves.  How proud I am of the woman who wrote it, just a few months shy of her 90th birthday.  It took guts.  

Think about it.  The responses from her oldest children - Peter scoffed, Mim ignored, Mike & Kerry sent their mind-boggling replies - confirmed what Mom had always feared &underscored how right she'd been to believe that being open & honest with them would lead to heart ache.  


Want to be more astonished?  Remember her tender reply to Mike...

March 30, 1999

Dear Michael

Your letter was received.  Here are a few of my thoughts.

Don't let the fall out of a few heated moments taint your life.  Set aside the unintended hurt and the disagreement, and focus on the intentional love.  I find comfort that no one intended to be hurtful.

I have a psychological counselor, a financial counselor, and spiritual counselors.  John is an influence, Elsa is an influence, and Peter is an influence, along with Taking Responsibility: Self Reliance and the Accountable Life by Nathaniel Branden, Stephen Covey, John Bradshaw and other authors.  I enclose a list of Branden quotations.

The key issue in this quest for self is me, not Elsa, not Kerry.

It is important to ask "Why?" rather than lash out if people say or do disturbing things.  Asking "Why?" acknowledges the possibility of a different point of view.  It does not mean agreeing with the response.

A reply is not necessarily a response.  Intentional silence is not a neutral response.  Stripped down to basics, life is about loving people for who they are, and not who we want them to be.

Love to all - 

Love, Mom


What a special special special Mother's Day present, from a massively courageous woman to a loving, appreciative daughter.

 

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