dear void #2

Oh my gosh - ya can't make this stuff up!  As part of another Big Dig in another part of the house, found another, smaller cache of family letters.  Amazing stuff.  February - April 1999 had some mighty interesting, wondrously revealing communications winging all over the place.  

Wishing I had a copy of a letter that Kerry references in her own April 2 e-mail to Mom.  Will let Kerry describe it:

"Then we received the letter to beat all.  Remember the one you photocopied and sent to the whole family a month or so ago, about how you only felt safe with Mike and John, addressed to everyone, me included this time.  

That letter hurt me more than I knew possible.  I never thought anywhere in my whole life that I'd made anyone feel unsafe.  

I know I've made people feel mad at me, sad, miserable, really angry, upset and hostile, but no one has ever said before that I have made them feel UNSAFE.  

"You probably never knew Kay, hospitality is one of my core values, that I have cherished since childhood.  To have you, Kay, my mother in law, tell me that I have made you feel unsafe in my company was a mind crippling blow.  A complete and utter blow."


Without realizing it, Kerry spelled out loud & clear precisely why she made Mom feel emotionally unsafe.   Mad, sad, miserable, really angry, upset & hostile - those are distressing feelings & Mom experienced distress as unsafe.   

Had I received such a group letter cold from Mom, instead of helping her write it (she ran it past me before sending, had me photocopy), would have asked her, "Mom, am stunned to hear you feel emotionally unsafe around me.  Can you share more information about what I do that leaves you feeling exposed, vulnerable?"  

Have read & reread Kerry's e-mail several times & am still as stunned as when I first printed it out for Mom.  How can she acknowledge she can make others feel miserable, really angry, upset & hostile, then turn around & feel crushed that anyone could experience her as emotionally unsafe? 

More to my here & now thinking, how does anyone communicate with such a defensive pov?  I can answer that - you're doomed.  Worth noting that while I'd thrown in the towel by April 1999, Mom never - to her dying days - gave up hope, never stopped trying.  

I don't really want an answer. 

I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. 

So good night, dear void.

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