amazing find

Astonishing things turned up in the Computer Studio/Art File Room "Big Dig."  Some is funny, other stuff sentimental, a few things are flat-out jaw dropping.

Came across a June 1, 1973 letter from Kerry to Mom & Dad.  Most of it was newsy - Mike was working for a building supply center, they had just signed a 6-month lease on a flat in Parramatta, NSW (Australia), they appreciated greetings from friends of theirs back here in the States & mused on how there were few people back in Bryn Athyn they didn't like.  Kerry could only think of one person - and "Honesty makes me add Elsa also since she has been so rude to me at times."  

Remember the first time I read that, about ten years ago.  It didn't stop me cold because of being stunned to learn how far back Kerry's antipathy for me stretched.  My stomach turned cold reading that because of remembering all the times I asked Mom, "Why do they (Peter, Mim, Kerry) dislike me so much?", to which Mom always replied, "Oh, don't be silly.  They don't dislike you - they love you."  

Coming across Kerry's letter again today am reminded all over again of how I was told, time after time after time, that the right-out-there animosity I felt was only in my head.  

What does that do, over almost 50 years - having spot-on perception that something serious was amiss, but always having it put back on me as a wild misread?  All Mom had to say was, "Darned if I know."  But she couldn't.  

This time 'round, my experience of that portion of the letter was slightly different.  Instead of getting hung up on her saying, "She (me) can't hurt me here," this time the part that stuck out was Kerry's comment, "By the way, Mum & Dad, I leave it entirely up to you to mention to her.  I must admit I never said anything to her personally."

For YEARS, Kerry blasted my family for burying our heads in the sand rather than facing the unpleasantness of confronting a problem.  Yet, here she was, in 1973, admitting she'd shrunk away from letting me know how much I distressed her.  I wouldn't have a clue until 1997, when our relationship went totally to pieces.  Even at that time, it was clear that I'd done things that had distressed her over many years, including their earlier visit in 1993 (or '34?).  

When it comes to being open about problems, it turns out that shoe was on the other foot - I was the one willing to risk bringing up dicey topics.  As she outlines in a 09/19/97 e-mail, there were quite a few times my behavior alarmed her, yet she said nothing at those times.  On the other hand, there were a lot of times that I tried, over the years, to bring up difficult subjects, only to get shut down by a s-i-l who didn't want to hear about them.  

One of the things I discovered long ago about my sibs & s-i-l ~ something that explains A LOT ~ is that we had opposite ways of communicating.  They would hear the opposite of what I said, so it's not surprising that Kerry experienced me as rude.  If what I was saying was meant to be polite, kind & caring, she would hear the opposite.  This would make NO sense, except I experienced something similar with Mim, who once described letters I'd written to her as vitriolic.  Dumb cluck me - sent her a set of the letters, asking her to show me where they were poisonous.  Naturally, she ignored them.  Not able to see where they were so horrendous, I showed them to the psych professor at our local college - she explained that Mim must have flipped everything that I'd written, because she only saw compassion & caring outreach.  Maybe the same was true with Kerry. 

In any case, it was helpful finding that ancient letter - again.  Seems it keeps turning up at just right times.  It's helpful to me to remember that my instincts were spot on, it's just that Mom couldn't bear looking reality in the face.  That's how she survived.  

Smiling, thinking about the #1 find I'm uncovering during the Big Dig & all the self-exploration that's going along with it - ME!  A me that trusts my instincts, respects my perception, honors my assessments.  Back to the dig!