wrapping in hugs

Over the decades, certain words from each of my surviving family members helped illuminate what to expect from each of them.  

From Mom - "I thought I could. I can't."
 
From Dad -  "Kay, I'm only taking her at her word.  She said she didn't care if she went trick or treating on Halloween."

From Peter - "How could anything I did cause YOU any harm?  I wasn't in your life enough to cause harm."
 
From Mike (in a letter to Mom)  - "If you are doing this (seeking a clearer sense idea of who SHE was) because it makes your children happy, it doesn't."

From Mim - "I bet you think that I talk to Mark (her psychologist) about you a lot.  I never talk with him about you."

ONE of those defining statements infer an appreciation of healthy adult attitudes.  Dad's - god bless him!!  Someone in the family had some expectation, however fleeting, of adult behaviors from the rest of us.  Even in  6th grade, I got it & appreciated the lesson.

Way over a quarter century later, Peter would - in a blessed 60-minute joint session we shared with a counselor - point to that very statement as a primary example of what an atrocious father we had, while I experienced it, even at the time (!), as the gold standard of good solid parenting.  Oh, I wept & wailed & begged Dad to let me go out on Halloween.  Mom beseeched him  - "Pete, she's just a little girl."  But Dad held firm - he took me at my word.  

In 6th grade, I learned the lesson to be careful what I say, because people will take me at my word.

So, a big high five  & hug to Dad!  Wrapping each of the others in a tender hug - it wasn't easy having me for a baby sister, perhaps especially after Ian died.  Because they had difficulties with my who & how, Mom did too.  Or maybe she considered me as UN as the rest.  Poor woman, trying to create a placid family life when how we saw & what we sought from life was so wildly different.  

How luscious to be 62, looking back & seeing only love & learning.  Taking a moment to hug myself!!!