Bullies strike out

Quelle surprise!  

Didn't expect to start this blog with a story about a recent experience at a senior residence.  A very nice place, with wonderful folks at the front desk who make me feel welcome, terrific staff, two decent restaurants (casual cafe & white cloth dining room) AND a bar, some outdoor greenery (as demand for apartments have grown, the "park" has shrunk), engaging events throughout the week & regular outings to interesting places.  Unlike 99% of "senior lifestyle residences," it practically shares a parking lot with an excellent food store (complete with cafe), a snazzy drug store/gift shop, and a Panera.  There's even a train station within a relatively reasonable distance (if you're up to walking).  Make that, in so many of the ways that count, an unusually nice senior residence.

A good place to bring on a personal epiphany.  

Among the weekly events is a current events discussion.  Although not a resident, I've participated for many months, taking a grannie client who is.  She never chips in, but the back & forth, to & fro of the discussion reminds her of hearing her parents discussing the events of the day at the dinner table.

The lively discussion always leaves me with new outlooks & fresh insights.  The only problem for me is the fellow who started the group & serves as its self-appointed chief cook & bottle washer.  These might be only problems to me, but they stick in my craw. 

Problem #1 ~ his reading seems limited to the Philadelphia Inquirer & Wall Street Journal.  Shouldn't the person curating a current events discussion read more than one local paper (however excellent) & one national, with a definite pov?  At least skim the New York Times; if that's too liberal, the Washington Post.  Ideally both, and at least one other paper from another part of the country, say the Chicago Tribune, LA Times, New Orleans Picayune, the Miami Herald.  Pick one, any one.  And certainly throw in international publications - the Sydney Morning Herald and/or the Guardian,  Der Spiegel and/or The Moscow Times.  It wouldn't be unreasonable to be able to reference online articles from Al Jazeera America, Brazzil, and/or Asian Times.  It takes time, but it should be a natural with someone engaged in world events & access to the internet.  

Problem #2 ~ his a proclivity to take personal jabs at people.  Bothers me to the point of wincing whenever it happens.   

Finally, Problem #3  ~  The group has no facilitator, no one to keep us on topic & on target with time.  It's a lively group, with a range of views & deserves someone keeping it on even keel, who can help keep us on task, who's consistent in how order is maintained & discussion encouraged, who's focused on the dynamics as much as the content.  Not happening.

Last week, what struck me as unfair comments & flagrant high-handedness proved the final straws.  I left.  Just had enough.  The discussion went on fine without me.  Far from fiddling my thumbs waiting for my grannie client, I made good use of my time, reading.  

Okay, so how did this incident end up being my very first post under a blog titled Secrets of the Home? Because it illuminated corners of my life long kept in shadow.

One of the participants I most admire assured others, "Deev will be back next week."   Last week, that was my expectation.  It was, until person after person commented to me over subsequent days, "That's the way he is;  he's not going to change."  

They are right - it is & he won't. 

For all of my life, my family life was beset with parents & sibs who were as they were & were not going to change.  And I raked their nerves by being a bouncy, "let's figure this out & make it better" Pollyanna (with a touch of Tigger) sort.  They seemed to be all about deflecting their attention or being totally confusing in what they actually wanted, while I was very much the bull in the shop of fragiles, wanting to identify root issues & work on addressing & resolving them.  Oil & water. Proof positive that one person's advocate can be  another person's bully.

This discussion situation - maybe because it wasn't in my house - helped galvanize my awareness of what's important to me.  And what my HUGE life challenge is.  When I see something, it is impossible to turn a blind eye.  

When I see what strikes me as one-side & unjust, I stand up.  In this case, I stood up & left.  I couldn't do that in my family situation, but there's no way I am putting up with it in a weekly current events discussion.  Will my actions be understood?  Probably not.  Will people think it funky when I bring Anne to the discussion, but sit it out?  Probably.  

For fifty years, my hands were tied (self knotted) regarding family gunk.  I balked at taking my own decisive actions.  Okay, I took an occasional stab - but definitely small scale.  I stayed put.

What happened last Thursday helped me realize the importance of finding & expressing my voice.  For all my life, my primary focus has been on helping others find their footing, their unique voice & deep self.  It was less important to me that others be in agreement than they know what they truly felt believed valued & expressed it.  Sorry if that sounds all puffed up, but it is what it is. 

One thing I absolutely positive do NOT have the time for is a bully.  And, to me, someone who makes jeering comments, controls an arbitrary spotlight, is willfully limited in his scope yet expects to be considered a viable thought leader - that person is a bully.  He's made it clear - "It's my way or the highway."  

Writing this posting, it hits me that I'm fed up with that sort of attitude.  Doesn't serve me.  And I'm quite aware that my own actions - taking the highway out - could be experienced by others as somewhat (or very) bullish.  

Unexpected AH AHs
Sometimes, just writing a post can be illuminating.  Tip tapping this one, several AH HAs nudged into my noggin.  

Within my own family, my tendency to push for better understanding - in a family that eschewed the decisive, embraced the undefined -  could very easily be experienced as bullying.  

My sister-in-law certainly did;  in a 1973 letter to Mom, she wrote about how when I entered a room, she immediately wanted to leave, she experienced me as so intensely rude.  Over the years - particularly over the last fifteen - she's given no cause to think she considers me anything other than someone with a borderline personality disorder or flat-out psychotic (her words, not my assumptions). 

My point is that bullying can be in the eye of the beholder.  Consider my s-i-l, who clearly considers me a bully.   Day after day, she expresses an active dislike by not friending me on Facebook, not acknowledging even the most innocuous FB message.  If she feels so strongly, then good on her for taking a stand, however sad.  

Down with bullies of every stripe!  Stand up for the truth!  And realize that your bully might be a nurturer in another person's eyes.  

Have always been a big believer in giving second chances.  For months, I only complained to the current events leader (privately) when he aimed his barbs & swipes at my grannie client, only gently nudged him to tap into a greater variety of perspectives in his news, but when it finally hit me between the eyes that he has no interest in bringing on someone to facilitate (Joann comes to mind) discussion - well, three strikes & I am outta there.