still crazy

Even now, Mim is defining our family.  Seems she never caught on that while her definition seemed to set our parent's expectation of family, it never held sway with yours truly.  Or maybe she does & considers it moot. 

My definition of family is as unchangeable as Mim's is fluid, although it is impossible to describe.  Have to work on that.

Mim has no problem expressing her view & expectations.  For a person who typically made her point without having to actually spell it out, she's unusually open & specific when it comes to defining family.

Not that she had to, back in my way younger years.  It wasn't necessary.  It was obvious to me - I assume from the cradle & crib - that the person with the power in our family wasn't my parents, but Mim.  The quietest, most unassuming person in the family was the one who carried the most clout.  

What the rest of us didn't realize, a stranger could.  My oldest brother's wife was, to the best of my knowledge, the only person who ever caught onto how our family ticked.  She observed how everyone in the family was afraid of Mim.  Mim, Mom & I thought that was hilarious - imagine being afraid of Mim, of doing whatever you could to appease her!  A riot.  And spot on.

It never dawned on me, because I'd never crossed my sister.   The possibility of disagreeing with her never entered my mind, probably because I never saw anyone - not my parents, not our older brothers - do it.  

Until turning 24, if someone had waved a magic wand & granted whatever wish I most dearly wanted, it would have been to be just like my sister.  If you look at my sister's life, that makes no sense;  it was utterly understandable once you realize that in our family, Mim was the sun, the moon & the stars.

Up until Mom's first trip to Australia, Mim didn't have to verbalize her definition of family.  It was a given.  It wasn't until Mom headed down to be with Mike & Kerry when Scott was born that things began to shift.  

For the first time, I became involved in friendships that included women who lovingly called out & heard what I didn't even know existed - my own voice.

Dorothy & Susie moved into the apartment across the driveway from our house.  They welcomed me into their circle of friendship.  We'd sit around & just talk.  They listened.  They provided a space & opportunity for ME to hear what I had to say.  

To the best of my knowledge, it was the first time I'd ever had a chance to hear, said out loud, what I believed.  It was remarkable.

Back across the driveway, I started questioning some of Mim's household decisions, particularly keeping the heat so incredibly low.  She wanted to surprise the gas reader when he read the meter in the spring;  I wanted to be able to move around the house without triple layers of clothing.  

Mim silenced my requests to up the gauge with the simple statement, "I'm paying the bills, so we will do what I say."

That was the first time she defined family. It set the tone for how she would always define family - it would be whatever best suited her needs at any particular moment & everyone else was expected to buy it.  Even when I stopped, the others bought in.

Am sure that I'll write a lot about how differently my sibs & parents looked at family from the way I did.  That moment was the first time I stepped back & questioned how my family - Mim - viewed family relationships v. how other folks approached it.  

How is any of this relevant to this day?  Mim's still defining family.  A few weeks ago, during our first extensive phone conversation, she stated, "Our family is no worse than a lot of families, so there's no need to go back over old stuff."  

Even as she said it, I smiled.  Some things never change.  

There she was, still defining family, it's still about what works for her at this particular moment in time, and she still expects others - me - to buy it.  

She has no need to fear - I gave up hoping for better many moons ago.  Once, I believed more was possible.  It's not.  

It did take me by surprise, hearing Mim still putting out her definition.  The bigger surprise was that it no longer distressed me, just made me realize it's part & parcel with the whole that is our family.  

Call me a doofus, but it took me decades to realize we'd NEVER get together with a facilitator to consider discuss honor our family's dynamics.  It was promised -  maybe someday might.  But neither Mom nor Mim could let it ever actually happen, could not risk having our wildly incompatible views of family be revealed.  So, the promise was dangled, but never done. 

Maybe part of me couldn't let it happen, either.  What would I do if the truth were made clear?  There is an interesting ponder.   

Here's what intrigues me about that recent phone call - Mim was the one bringing up the subject.  As she still often does with things she wants to get across, it came out of the blue, unrelated to what we were discussing.  Maybe she was heading me off at the pass, just in case I might  bring up my ancient request.  

Gave up on that years ago, without giving up on my own beloved view of family.

Many things have changed over time, but it's clear that the nuttiness around this peculiar dynamic remains the same.  And it's still crazy, after all these years.