Parenting/Partnering

Which is more important in a couple with kids - good parenting skills or a strong bond between the mother & father? 

It was decades ago that it first dawned on me that having a great marriage doesn't mean a couple will be great parents.  Mom & Dad were a remarkable couple, but abysmal parents.  Then again, neither of them had a clue about healthy, whole parenting, due to horrific experiences with parents WAY more challenged than they ever were.  

Dad's father not only had a mistress, he loved her, which made it so much worse for my grandmother.  Dad believed his dearly beloved mother died of a broken heart - soon after giving birth to a baby who died within hours, she also passed.  He was in his early teens.  Impossible to imagine what his home life must have been like, especially after his father & the mistress married.  When he was given his choice of where to go for high school - his family were well off, pre-Crash  - Dad chose Harrisburg Academy, which was too far away for anyone to expect him to come home over weekends. 

Mom's dearly beloved father literally gave his life in support of New Church education. In spite of living & working in Baltimore, his goal was for his children to attend church schools in Bryn Athyn as often as he could make it feasible.  The strain of supporting two homes - in Pennsylvania & Maryland - played havoc with his heart.  By the time Mom graduated from high school (ANC/1928), her father was an invalid in Bryn Athyn & her mother was down in Baltimore, doing what she could to hold onto his job as an estate manager.  His care fell to Mom & her younger sister, Betty, then a junior.  He died in 1929.  In everything I've ever heard from anyone who had an opportunity to know them, my grandfather was a special man, while my grandmother was an especially damaged woman.  The stories I've heard about Gran, from Mom & others, still chill me. 

Both of my parents lacked basic grounding in good parenting practices. Both seemed to overcompensate for their surviving parents' perceived deficiencies.  Both came up short, in spite of their best efforts.  

Mom never gave herself credit for having done her best - she'd often say her tombstone should read, "She tried."  I'd protest that assessment - "Mom, what it should say is, 'She did her best.'"

With both my parents, I never had the slightest doubt they did their individual & collective best.  And as Hawkeye told Father Mulcahey in a favorite MASH episode, "Best is best."  It might fall short, but they gave it their all.

When it comes to marriage, that was a different story altogether.  In that, they seemed true partners & tender lovers.  

Although I was only seven when they went through their great crucible - my brother's death in March, the lumber yard where Dad was a vice president burned down in July - how they responded to heartbreak & upheaval made an impression on my young mind.  

Over the following years, I saw how the two of them pulled together when Dad started his own lumber & mill work company.  Through the years, it remained the smallest lumberyard in the Middle Atlantic Lumbermen's Association, but Dad contributed back into the association than any other yard, based on ratio of contribution to profits.  

Mom took quiet pride in how much he contributed to the school & church - in fact, the church treasurer said that if everyone gave the same ratio of their income that Dad did, he'd never have to send out a fund raising letter.  

As parents, they were unimaginably disastrous, but as partners, as each other's cheerleader, coach & devoted lover, they were remarkable.

It helps that I've learned through the years how hard it is to be good parents.  What works for one child might not work for another.  And your assessment of what makes a good parent might not come close to what your children want.

To Dad, the best thing he could do was to give this children the sense of security he never had.  According to Mom's recollection, the only time they turned down a request for money from Peter when he was at Penn State was when he wanted to buy an expensive sweater.  I know Dad came through when Peter needed to borrow money before his wedding.  To him, being support when your children asked for it was just being a good father.  

Which was how I learned, early in my adult life, that parenting isn't an easy matter.  Because what made a great father in Dad's eyes didn't cut the mustard with Peter.  Where Dad was working hard to give the security he thought a father needed to provide his children, Peter wanted one who could take off time for high school sporting events, who showed up properly dressed, in a business suit & tie.  When Peter's own children were growing, it was the rare game he missed.  Do either of them consider he was the sort of parent they'd like to emulate?  All any parent can do is his or her best. 

Although John & I never did anything to not have children, I must admit to being relieved we were never blessed.  Like my parents - and perhaps theirs before them - I had no grounding in sound parenting practices.  But because of their marriage, I had complete trust in the power of relationship.  And that, more than anything else, has stood me in good stead.  I didn't trust myself to be a decent parent, but I trusted that I could be a good person, ideally a good wife.  


Ideally, children have the advantage of parents who are devoted to each other AND have the requisite skills to raise emotionally strong, values infused, constructive attitude imbued children.  If they can't have both, may their Mom  & Dad love each other truly madly deeply & give their individual & combined best - even if it's wildly inadequate - to raising children who can self-parent as adults.  

Mom & Dad - thanks for your best, thanks for showing me the beauty of a working adult relationship, thanks for everything that surrounds me.