One of the many reasons I'm happy to be in contact with my sister - and, through her, with the rest of the family - is getting the opportunity to hear a voice that played such a major role in my development. To hear it with adult ears & 62 years of experience.
What a blessing to have the opportunity for a casual conversation, albeit based on a serious issue - my oldest brother's current hospitalization for a serious condition. How to express the uplifting sense of "Yep, that's how my family rolls" that's come out of Peter's intensified medical problems. Folks might think me bonkers saying how good it feels to see how badly our family handles core communication! My brother is hospitalized 35 minutes from my house, another brother in Australia is notified about the medical emergency, he contacts my sister in NJ with the news & she contacts me.
What a weight is lifted off my shoulders being able to experience - here & now - a pattern that confused & confounded me for decades. To see it with a wry & a somewhat rueful eye, rather than feeling stumped & stymied by the whisper-down-the-lane dynamic.
Great fun talking with my sis last night, getting an update on the patient's condition. Heading off the to library later to check out My Stroke of Insight (heard the TED talk, didn't think to read the book) and The Monument Men, both books she enjoyed. It was terrific to connect with her lively mind, which I've always admired. Sounds like she doesn't have much to do, she keeps engaged by reading & her writing. Tis a pity we seem at our best via phone & cards.
As similar as we are in many things, we are in utter disharmony when it comes to our personal voice. As was blessedly apparent last night, when I got a brief snatch of the difference.
For as long as I've been aware of her, Mim's had a tendency to see the negative in others. It was such a normal part of my growing years, it took me decades to realize that was anything but the norm for me. Unimaginable damage was done over the intervening years. Still... Being the freakishly analyzing person I am, was left wondering if it really was something handed down by my older sister; perhaps, that was the impression, but maybe it was something I picked up on my own & unconsciously attributed to an other - Mim.
Nope, it was from her.
Last night, we were talking about a treasured friend's remarkable accomplishment. Out of the blue, Mim made a sweeping, negative statement about the friend's extended family.
Wow! Where did THAT come from??
Being a more grounded me & not wanting to just dismiss her comment, I asked for more particulars. Which of the family was she thinking about? How did they reflect the negative quality she'd raised?
How sad. No disputing the person she cited comes across as arrogant & a tad entitled, but I've come to know him, come to know how shy he is, how less than his siblings he feels - not as brilliant as this brother or as charming as that or as interesting as a sister.
The attitude she picked up & judged (ouch) were defense mechanisms to protect a too-easily, too-often wounded self.
The critical, judgmental voice on the other end of the phone last night was one of the two dominant voices in our family & in my life. It wasn't my imagination.
There's nothing I can do to reach back into those long distant years & right all the messed-up moments experienced through looking at life through dark dark glasses. What a doofus I was, not realizing until eons later how bleak messaging was so out of kilter with my core nature ~ a well-grounded Pollyanna, rooted in core Peter Wimsey.
Beyond remarkable last night. One sentence cleared away lingering miasmas that still had me wondering, "Did it really happen that way, or am I unfairly attributing negatives where none belong?"
It's great, looking forward to future phone calls & letters from Mim, sending interesting Lockhartish things between NJ & PA, getting her suggestions on things to read or watch. I am free to do that, because last night's phone call reinforced the wisdom of keeping that distant voice in my life, just keeping it as distant as possible!
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