My experience with my family was of being expected - without being asked - to be wherever I needed to be whenever I was wanted. It was most certainly Mom's expectation of me, especially when it was Mim who wanted the help. And the fact was that it was in me to be there. My challenge was that Mom could never, to her last days, understand the difference between need & want. To her last days, she was only - to the best of my knowledge - able once to put my own wants & needs before my sibs.
For years, I'd grouse that she expected me to be the rock for the rest of them ~AND~ for myself, since the rest of them seemed clueless about reciprocation. That would have been okay with me - some people are good at certain things, some aren't - IF Mom hadn't also acted like she/they had my back, too.
Never ever ever did I think those anguish-filled days before the light finally dawned would actually serve a vital use. Surprise! They are!
Yesterday, I was truly frazzed. Everything i was making for today's B.A. Bounty went wrong. The word for the day was S T R E S S. Which is why I asked John to be chauffeur for the night.
Big mistake.
Over the next four hours, he took my stress & zoomed it up into the stratosphere. Not going to record what he did, but each amazing moment was incredibly distressing.
This afternoon, he revealed the why - instead of kicking into support mode, my stress stressed him out, so instead of doing things that would help soothe me, he went off the deep end of driving me crazy.
I get it. It's not an unusual response, especially with guys. But the thing that gripes my soul is that he insists that he will be there for me at a later crisis. He doesn't get that it's not going to happen. His response isn't voluntary, he doesn't choose to wig out in response to my stress. It happens. Accept it & let's move on. But to be that way & insist you're the opposite? Been there. Never again.
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