Still Alyce

Over forty years ago, I wrote an important paper for Mike Brown's Psych 101 course.  I would have been a sophomore at the Academy of the New Church College (now Bryn Athyn College of the New Church).  It was the second important thing I wrote about me myself & I.  

The first was written just after high school graduation, to someone who'd been my first true friend in our junior year.  For reasons totally outside my control, she took a different path in senior year, one that veered away from our connection.  In the letter, I considered both of our natures, thanked her for the friendship, respected where she was & where I was, noted that perhaps one day our paths might intersect again BUT that I wanted her to know how much I appreciated her being, even if they never did.  

Other than in the slightest ways, we've never reconnected over the years.  I know she has no memory of the letter, which isn't surprising.  A LOT was happening in her life.  And its importance was less in her reading & more in my writing.  She would have seen just the words on the front & back of the single sheet of paper.  I still have in my heart all the ones that weren't included & could have been.  

It doesn't wound me, knowing she has no memory of the letter, apparently little memory of a past connection.  She had a lot of friends - I was one of many.   

What made her so unforgettable in my life was the hope she gave that there WERE people out there with whom I could connect at a true soul level.

No one could have foreseen the circumstances that drew us apart.  In my 60s, am pretty amazed at that long ago girl NOT putting it on herself, impressed she could see that it was due to that particular moment in time rather than to her failings.  That's pretty stunning.  It would have felt so good to wallow in self-pity rather than to realize it is what it is.  You go, girl!

Today, building off that distant past letter plus my equally ancient paper - Fantasy in Frustration - written for a junior college Psych 101 class plus my current read & reread of Richard O'Connor's Rewire, am taking a deep dumpster dive down to the deepest level of my being, to the foundational layer of unwavering self respect that was always & forever my unknowing bedrock.

 

How it came to be formed is anyone's guess.  Maybe that's why experiencing a genuine connection in junior year was so important - just by itself - in my life.  Even then, part of me sensed that my family (with the probable exception of my father) was wildly UNconnected - within as well as between, so much so that I grew up thinking it was normal to feel uncomfortable, uneasy with yourself.  That friendship let me know there was something deeper within me, it let me know sharing a deep genuine connection WAS possible.  

That was all I needed.  Ok, that early connection wasn't lasting.  Didn't make it any less genuine.  And twenty years later, that early promise of lasting genuine connection was fully realized when John strolled into my life.  

One of the greatest gifts John brings is how well he tolerates my inner explorations.  Drives a lot of folks bonkers.  My oldest brother once told me, with oversized exasperation, "You always need things spelled out in forty pages!"  He was right.  I do.  I have a driving need to understand, at least as well as I can.  He's right - I dig, I delve, I examine consider dissect, always remembering that what I discover might be right or it might not, but it's the best I can do at the time.  Know what I know, but hold the reins free.

Maybe that's how I felt about that long ago but still treasured friendship.  I could let it be what it was because of honoring it & holding it with a light rein. 

I'm doing my inner deep dump dive as a way of honoring everything that has brought me to this spectacular moment in time.  It might take forty pages, it might be less or considerably more.  I'm sure to come up with lots of trash & quite a bit of garbage, but there will be treasures in there, pieces waiting to taken out of still-sealed boxes or needing some sanding & refurbishing.  We shall see what we shall see.  

As for that long-ago dear friend?  She turned out pretty much exactly as I expected, years full of adventures, highs & lows that enriched herself & others, and - in her here & now - apparently having the time of her life.  

Here's to you, dear friend - friendship is indeed a sheltering tree & I still feel the blessings of being nurtured under your branches.