By jove, I think I've got it! The reason that John does not change is because of one simple declarative sentence - "That's me." One contraction & a pronoun that doom his life to resisting constructive change.
And he expects a project to be difficult. If it's not, he makes it difficult because that's where he's strangely comfortable.
A few minutes ago, I asked him to cut out some paper to use as note card background. The instructions were to take a set of 4.25 x 5.5" note cards - one per color in each set - and cut from each two 3" x 4" pieces of paper.
First off, he was going to go through the sets I'd put together & cut out each COLOR rather than going through & doing as a set of all the colors. His mind hadn't processed my request.
Then, he was going to cut one piece of paper from the front of the card, then the 2nd, in a separate operation. Not measuring & cutting both at the same time. He not only hadn't heard me show that procedure, he naturally went to the more difficult, time-consuming, illogical way.
And then, when he was ready to measure & cut the two sides at the same time, he was doing the cut at the fold. Forget that I'd demonstrated making the cuts at the cut edges, doing it the easiest & natural way never occurred to him.
He could not - could not - give a straight answer when I asked, "Why would you make the cuts at the fold if you were following the instructions?" Every time, he said, "Well, only if..." He couldn't answer the question, which was why would he do that way, given the instructions. He always gave a situation where the cut made sense. He could not - could not - bring himself to say, "You wouldn't."
The kicker - and the #1 reason John doesn't change - was when he said, "That's me."
That's why John doesn't change. It's not that he won't; he CAN'T. His brain never signals him that anything needs changing. Something goes wrong, something gets messed up? His brain processes, "That's just John - no need to pay attention, just keep moving."
There's absolutely no sense in my stressing out when there's absolutely nothing zip zap-patta I can do, because his brain will just reprocess whatever is said to fit its perception.
Have gotten to the point where I'm fascinated, rather than distressed. John is literally sentenced by a subject & a predicate - "It's me" - to staying right where he is.
Good to know that I'm passed even getting "arrrrrggggghhhhed" over it. At a place where I can see it as an intriguing dynamic. Doesn't keep me from feeling sad, but at least I'm past succumbing to anquish.
addendum 11:36 p.m.: Okay, so it's not as simple as one sentence. It feels like John's brain highjacks him. Driving to the craft sale, he could NOT process what I was talking about, referring to his leaving animal cards at home, NOT business cards. He went everywhere in the known or any other universe, even asking about GREETING cards, something that came totally out of left field. This afternoon with the cutting out the background pieces was cut from the same cloth. The directions could not have been simpler but he couldn't process them, was still in kerfluffle about them when I got home.
As we drove into the parking lot, he mentioned going back. I asked him not to, that we'd just add them to our offerings tomorrow. After we settled in, I looked around - and no John. He was gone, baby, gone when the craft sale opened, was absent for a good (actually, very bad) 20 minutes after the sale had started. When I got upset about as we left at the end of the night, he said, "You told me to go."
That stopped me in my tracks.
"You told me to drop you off & go home for the cards."
I freaked. Totally.
First, it had been about as bad a day as could be imagined. I'd planned a wonderfully sane, well-managed day. John, on the other hand, was stressed out - over nothing.
We were in fine shape. And I told him as much. But his stress was catching - he blew off the directions, had to repeat them, as simple & direct as they were, three times (will hand gestures) & he STILL wasn't sure he'd gotten them right.
At that point, I stressed out. Over his learned helplessness. He translates everything in the way HE wants. For example, hearing me say the polar opposite of what was actually shared. Which is something he frequently does. And then when I flip out, he says, "Don't let it upset you," when the fact of the matter is it DOES upset me.
There is no way anyone can reason with someone who simply bats away reason if it's in conflict with what he prefers to believe. It's all about what he prefers. On every level. His self-absorption turns everything to his preferences. He reprocesses statements so they have no semblance of what was actually said. He then then gets all placating & soothing & "don't get upset" which makes complete sense since the upset anger fury was rooted in my response to his oblivious lack of interest involvement - of course he wants me to be all sweetness & light.
He doesn't get it. He can't get it. It just isn't there. Twenty-six years of marriage & he's never gotten worried about the fact that he's doing the same wretched behaviors in 2015 that he did in 2005 & 1995. He doesn't change. Told him all those years ago that he'd do ANYTHING for me - as long as it was convenient. I didn't realize that when it's clear something didn't have the response he'd expected, he just totally rewrites what went down. He never never never sees it. Sadly, what you can't see, you can't change. And he can't see. It's not that he focused poorly - he doesn't seem to focus at all. It's easy to say, "Not his fault - when someone is color blind, they can want to describe a rainbow but just can't." But it's more than just that. He doesn't have the slightest interest in finding out the whys & wherefores behind his funky behavior. You can't change a problem that eludes you, can't take a different tack when you flat out refuse to focus. Besides, other than me getting upset, what he does works for him.
This is really tearing my up inside. Feeling torn between respecting myself as a human being & being down on myself for being an unsympathetic, flipped out wife.
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