sky above clouds

How joyous to have broken out of the clouds, into the endless sky & sun.  Hey, only took over half a century!  

Could look at it as "I spent 50+ years absorbed in resolving the unresoivable?!" ~or~ "Good for me, that I kept at it long enough to get clear & shake myself free." Definitely going with the latter!!!

The task I set out for myself - a family with what I considered healthier communication patterns - was just not going to fly with my surviving parent & sibs.  Took me decades to realize it wasn't a matter of they wouldn't, but they couldn't.  How they communicated was just fine with them;  how I did it was NOT. 

At last month's Creative Aging conference, one of the speakers used the term "sky above clouds" to describe aspects of dementia. the painting which inspired her inspires me, too - in a different way.  in my current life, can look down at the clouds that once obscured my vision & see their beauty, possible now that I am above them.  I can look around & see the beautiful sky, the sun, the endless horizons stretching before me.

For years, I was heartbroken that my parents always seemed to see Mim's side of things.  An older friend - one of my oldest brother's classmates - would say, "She's being a mother."  I never got that, because, hey - she was MY mother, too.  Finally, I asked what she meant, because I was clueless (never been a mom).  She explained that parents tend to give extra support to the kids they see need it, which can leave others that don't feeling ignored.  That made very bitter, not too sweet sense.

I have always been a lot tougher, way more resilient that I gave myself credit for being.  And tenacious, one of the core qualities that drove my family bonkers.  

What was missing all those years was the ability to see & honor each member of the family & the family as a whole, as they & it truly were.  Maybe not to like, but to respect.  

The hard reality is that it wasn't possible, not as long as Mom was alive.  Because if I had been able to do that, it would have meant making changes that were not acceptable, not to her, not to them, not to me.  It would have meant Mom having to move down to Australia to live with Mike & Kerry, which seemed like a fine solution to me, but was absolutely NOT for her (for good reasons, which she sadly did not share at the time).  

So thankful I don't have to dither over the great "what ifs" - - wasn't the right time.  It's that simple.  Maybe it always is.

Such goosebumps, thinking about how things have worked out in their own good time.  Will probably write quite a few postings on that amazing fact - everything has worked out fabulously.  It took an remarkably long time, but time is illusion.  

For countless thousands of years, humans dreamed of what it would be like to soar above the clouds, to experience seeing what was below & above.  That only happened in the last century.  Some things take a long time & a lot of effort to happen.  We needed more than the dream.  We need the right knowledge, the right engine, the right boost of power & guidance to send us up up up to the sky above the clouds.