A few years before Mom was reunited with her O! Best Beloved, a close friend - who lives a distance away - called her up. The computer studio was right next to Mom's bedroom, so I heard the entire side of Mom's conversation, which went started with a cheery greeting & quickly sequed into dark-toned "Um...," "I see...," & "Really..?"
When the conversation finally closed & Mom came into the studio, I asked, "What was that all about?"
"Oh, my" Mom said, "My dear friend has a terrible daughter-in-law."
"Really? But she was so excited when they were married a couple months ago."
Mom went on, sharing with me all the girl's awful traits & all the terrible things she had done to distress her mother-in-law. Well, at least as they had been described by her friend.
After hearing the litany, I commented, "It would be wise to remember that you only have your friend's opinion to go on. You don't know the young woman. And you do know how fiercely - sometimes incorrectly - judgmental your friend has been in the past."
"That's what I was thinking," Mom replied. "Which was why I didn't agree with her."
"But you did," I answered.
"NO! I didn't agree, not once!"
"Mom, I heard you - your replies were all 'ums' & 'really!' & 'I see.' Not once did you question what was being said. She got what she called you for - validation of her point of view. Maybe the girl IS as awful as she makes out, but you don't know that."
Mom was horrified, realizing the truth of what I said. She'd totally underscored for the friend the rightness of trashing the young woman.
The sad scenario opened up an interesting conversation between mother & daughter. We talked about how dicey it can be when friends or family dump on someone & we make their opinion ours. I've certainly had this happen, so had Mom. We'd get all hot & bothered over the scathing opinion someone else had of a 3rd party. Although totally unfounded, we made it OURS.
Here's the problem with that scenario - when the friend's opinion changes, as it often does (and, in this case, did), they move on with a better healthier happier relationship & YOU"RE stuck with the bad feeling & negative vibes.
It wasn't easy, but Mom did touch base back with her friend & asked some questions about the woman's d-i-l. Turned out her grievances were typical in-law stuff. Mom shared her own experiences with Pam & Kerry, which surprised the friend since she knew how close Mom was to her sons' wives, something she'd been comparing her experience against. They talked about the dynamics of someone first coming into an established relationship like a family - the impact on individuals & on the whole is always a bit ... awkward. I like to think the conversation helped the friend.
It sure brought home to me the importance of not embracing someone else's opinion of folks you don't know, even though it might feel weirdly good at the time & waaaay easier than asking for more details to help you fill in a bigger picture. Jump right in & wholeheartedly agree, making someone else's negative feelings your own, if the situation changes & they build a caring relationship, you'll be the one stuck out in the cold with the uglies!
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