My dear old Mother was famous for posting wise sayings on the kitchen cupboard. They spoke of keeping doors open, never burning bridges over which you may someday wish to cross, knitting together communication & connection. And they stuck.
Can feel Mom smiling. Last night was quite extraordinary. And it all happened because of that long-ago cupboard door.
Over a year ago - but only just - John & I dropped off Chinese take-out to Peter on his birthday. His favorites - schezwan chicken, fried rice, egg roll. We didn't hand deliver because, as I explained to the concierge, I didn't know Peter's feelings about me then, but knew that I'd long profoundly irritated him & wasn't taking the risk of saying that one word too many.
That outreach turned into a phone call filled with thanks & regret we hadn't seen him, into a suggestion we all do take-on on New Year's Day, which built into phone calls & visits, all of which stood us in good stead when Mim's health crumbled & she passed so quickly. We could be there for each other in ways that were unimaginable less than a year before.
Over
the past two weeks, it's been Peter whose health took a downward
slide. He is back in his roost, but after sojourns in two different
hospitals & still facing serious surgery once his health is
stabilized & he's stronger.
Through
it all, we've kept in touch. Earlier this week, on the day he was
transferred back to his nest from Jefferson Hospital, he asked us to
come over to join him for dinner & to bring the same favorite
dishes. It was no surprise when he was too rocky to get out of bed, but
we tucked the take out in the fridge, which he lit into in the wee
small hours of the morning.
Last
night, things took a turn for the amazing. He called up, frustrated
because a phone call from our brother, down in Australia, had not gone
well. I asked for details, but could have described what went down
without him having to tell me - Peter felt that our brother was talking
over him, that he repeatedly interrupted Peter's attempts at sharing how
he's doing.
Boy,
could I relate! Many's the time I've been in a similar position with
Peter, manically interrupting, plowing over his sentences. Can't speak
for Michael, but with me it was nerves.
Throughout
his life, Peter has not suffered fools gladly. Sadly, he clearly
seemed to feel he had a family filled with fools. Well, perhaps Mim was
the exception. But the rest of us clearly exasperated him.
First, it touched me that Peter was clearly disappointed that the call from Mike hadn't gone well. That was his focus, which cheered my heart & opened the door even further.
Instead of spinning theories on whys I couldn't know, I told Peter about my own history talking with him, how nervous he made me, how that caused me to get on edge, to interrupt, to talk over what he was saying - all of which understandably drove him nuts, with our back & forth rapidly descending into battling tones & irked expectations.
Peter listened. And we talked more, about the negative communication influences experienced at home, from our parents & each other. And I think, I hope that he realized that just as he called me to say, "Typical Mike response," Mike might have turned to Kerry saying, "Typical Peter."
And they were, because however it happened, it was clear that both were still responding to ancient triggers - 73 & 77, but basically reacting the same as if they were back in their teens or even younger.
It would have been easy to get similarly triggered. Peter does have a way about him that can make me feel like the sorriest excuse for a human being to ever come down the pike. Still does. There I was last night, interrupting & talking over - but I could hear it & pull myself back. I didn't try to offer any excuses for Mike, simply shared my own experience which sounded familiar. Over & over, I said, "Mike lives so far away, he hasn't had the advantage I've had of getting to know you as an adult." I meant myself - getting to experience Peter through a wiser lens, with a more tender heart.
One of the great joys of growing older is having the keener perspective that can come with age, with realizing all the things that work in life, the ones that keep messing things up. Doing more of what works, winnowing out ones that don't. That's been a real kick! Realizing that every story can be framed in different ways, so pick the one that's honest but still puts the situation in a positive setting.
To be honest, I never expected a moment like last night to ever happen. I chalk it up to aging, hopefully sage-ing, and to Peter doing the same. Because I could have said exactly what I did, but he chose to listen, he chose to be part of the revolutionary conversation.
I
am officially past expecting what might & might not happen within
our relationship, how far it might actually grow. I am not a fool.
Past experience has left me wiser about what can happen with Peter when I
least expect it. But my here & now is pretty darn jaw-dropping.
Will keep those doors open to whatever comes.
Credits:
natgeocreative.com
countryliving.com
tripadvisor.com
No comments:
Post a Comment