On another blog - older2elder - I wrote about the advantage of bringing a mediator into potentially sensitive discussions between older parents & their adult family. To illustrate my point, I shared a story about my own family, an unfortunate communication breakdown between my Dad & one of my brothers that resulted in Mike moving to Australia instead of remaining here in Pennsylvania, working at Lockhart Lumber.
Fast forward 40+ years. John & I have a weekly date at Bell's Tavern, in Lambertville, NJ (good food at great prices, friends & staff who feel like family). Every week, we park around the corner, at Niece Lumber. Every week, I get the opportunity to reframe what happened between two men I love, to put a happy ending by tweaking their story.
Niece Lumber is what could have been - in an alternate reality - the outcome of Dad & Mike's head butt over a path forward for what might have been a family business.
In my reframed version, Mom reads an article in a Middle Atlantic Lumberman's Association magazine about professional mediators specializing in family businesses. (This is my reframe, so it's moot that they didn't exist back in the early '70s.) Over several days, when Dad comes home at night, he's greeted not only with a glass of sherry & a plate of cheese & crackers - it's Harvey's Bristol Cream sherry & slices of a lovely aged cheddar.
Mom makes sure the magazine is within his sight range. Later that evening, she wonders aloud if he'd read any of it. Did he see the article about this thing called mediators? Over the next few days, she builds off his grumbled "yes."
Slowly, never feeling pushed, Dad warms to the idea.
At the same time she was introducing the idea to Dad, Mom was also talking to Kerry. Kerry had a lot invested in Mike becoming more established in the business - she wanted to start a family & it couldn't happen until the two of them had a more secure idea of what their future held.
Mom believed that Kerry, a nurse (who would become a brilliant counselor back in Australia) & very practical person, would appreciate the advantages of having a disinterested person facilitating a productive discussion about what lay ahead for Lockhart Lumber.
After many sessions with the mediator, Dad & Mike come up with a business plan that satisfies both of them. Mike would look for a new location - one they could buy - and Kerry would come on board as an office manager, leaving Dad free to do the millwork, design & cabinet-making that he loved. Once they moved to the larger facility, they'd hire a second mill man & apprentice a designer/cabinet-maker to work with Dad. Over time, most of the business decisions would be Mike's responsibility, leaving Dad time to step back from day-to-day management while still having an important voice.
The new direction has Mom happy, because she & Dad have more time to enjoy each other. Kerry & Mike are free to start their family AND grow the business in the visionary way that once seemed overly ambition to Dad. Even Dad stops grumbling - not only can he take time to go on trips with Mom, the business doubles over the first year under the new business plan. His confidence in Mike & Kerry grows as their strong business partnership brings in greater sales & satisfied customers.
In my reframe, the business ends up like Niece Lumber. The main office building is Mike & Kerry's domain, where customers & contractors feel like their needs are understood & expectations exceeded. Framed certificates proclaiming "Best lumberyard ...." decorate the wall, along with newspaper clippings.
If anyone has a question about design or something Mike can't handle, they head over to the other office building, where Dad & other designers handle the special cabinetry orders. They have their own set of "Best of woodworking..." citations on the wall, along with framed articles from Philadelphia, House Beautiful & Dwell magazines.
The lumberyard itself is kept in the apple pie order that makes Mike's heart sing, and he steers clear of interfering when it comes to Dad's domain.
Dad finds himself happy to retire from full-time involvement in the day-to-day business. Now, with Mom by his side, he's the one researching new techniques & visiting major suppliers, a personal touch that gives the business a key advantage over lumber mega stores.
Lockhart Lumber builds on the reputation Dad established from the beginning - not the cheapest, but definitely the best.
When Dad dies at 68 (it's my reframe & I choose to give Dad an extra five years!, the transition is already completed. Mom is not only left financially secure, she has the joy of her grandchildren & a strong relationship with her son & daughter-in-law.
I get to run through a version of that reframe once a week, every time the car pulls up to the main office building at Niece Lumber, every time John & I stroll the tow path, past the tidy prosperous lumberyard.
It doesn't change reality, but somehow makes me feel better. And who knows - if family mediation had been mainstream back then, that just might have happened!
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