A fortunate life

Australia is famous for being home to a variety of unique flora & fauna.  Posting  Mom's 06/27/00 e-mail onto my Velveteen Grammie blog this a.m., thought about how it was also home to a unique version of my mother, one that I would dearly love to have experienced.

But I would have to have been a fly on the wall, unseen but soaking it all in.  If I'd been there, Mom couldn't have been her full Aussie self, which I think was more relaxed & open & downright confident than anything I had the pleasure of seeing.

And I think she was more that way with her grandchildren & her Australian friends than she was with even Mike & Kerry.  When Mom was in Aussie format, she was free in ways I doubt she fully grasped.  And - I believe - happier than she'd been since Dad died.  Way happier than she could be back here, in Bryn Athyn.

There are so many reasons for this impression.  In Australia, there were no memories of Dad waiting around every corner.  The people she met only knew her as she was at 65 & older; no memories of any previous Kay.  Just the one in front of them.  It was Australia, with it's sense of possibility.  She was, on each of her seven priceless trips, a unique, fabulous version of Katharine Reynolds Lockhart.

It seems a pity that Mom never felt the call to move permanently to Australia. There was really nothing holding her back her, everything beckoning down.  Her USA-based children were all middle aged, she would have been one door down from the Hurstville church, she would have been living with children who appreciated the infinite levels of support she gave them & grandchildren she adored.  

For years, it was a mystery - and a sadness - why Mom wouldn't consider making what felt like such a logical move.  It would have simplified my own life & would have been good for my oldest brother & sister, too.  But she would not go.  Oh, she TALKED about it.  Every time I'd get frustrated with something about our living arrangement, she'd sigh & say, "Well, I can always go live with Mike & Kerry.  THEY would love to have me."  

So, I was surprised when Mom seemed totally blindsided by my announcement, "I think it's time you moved to Australia."  She hadn't seen it coming because she never thought that I'd take her seriously.  Alas, I'd come to the end of my rope with how she interacted with my sister & oldest brother, never expecting them to give any form of support to the family, while always offering an open invitation to stay with us at any time they needed, for however long.  I was fed up with life being centered around meeting their needs without them giving any apparent thought to the needs of the greater whole.  I was done with it.  

Not so fast.

Contrary to what she'd always said, Mom had no intention of leaving a life that worked perfectly - for her.  She went to Australia on a regular basis, came home to the town that had been an on & off home since her teens.

How differently life would have been had Mom moved down to Mike & Kerry's welcoming arms.  Couldn't be better than what I have right now, so it all worked out.  

Years & years later, in the last weeks of her life, I finally learned the perfectly understandable, "Why didn't she tell me?" reason for why she wouldn't make the move when it would have benefited me, Peter, Mim, Mike & Kerry, Scott & Karen, and even Mom.

Turns out, there was a fly in the ointment on Mom's trips Down Under.  Kerry could be brutally critical of Dad, the great love of Mom's life.  It's ironic that Kerry - who seemed to blame ME for Mom not moving, when it was something I dearly wanted for my own health - was the reason Mom stayed put, to the detriment of all.  

To this day, can remember Kerry's remarks at the celebration following Mom's memorial service, how she marveled at how Mom seemed to hold her brash Australian daughter-in-law in her heart, in spite of her blunt frankness.

Hearing those words in October 2001, had a totally different response to them than I would have in July.  Mom & I had a lot of time to talk when she was at INOVA/Alexandria Hospital and she was more open with me than at any other time in her life.  For the first time, she shared with me how she felt when Kerry would let loose with a verbal barrage against Dad (the two were like oil & water - he rubbed her the wrong way  & vice versa).   

Mom described shrinking inside, wanting to get away from the hurtful words, but there being no place to go.  She didn't have to tell me the rest; knowing her, I knew how she responded - all apparent calm  & probably smiles, cauterizing & sealing off the pain.  She could manage it for the months she was visiting - but experience it to the end of her days?  No, nay, never.

Understanding the torment she'd feel being assaulted with cruel words about her O! Best Beloved, it was obvious why Mom couldn't make the move.  But why never share with me the actual reason?  "I didn't want you to think less of Kerry."  She'd rather I resent her than simply know the truth.  That was sad.  And very Mom.

Praise be, none of that gunk stuck to her when she was Down Under.  She breathed in the air of a continent where new beginnings were the norm, yet also offered the deep spiritual roots of its aboriginal times.  It was the perfect environment for Mom to sink in her own deep roots, to fully be Katharine Reynolds Lockhart 2.0.

How I would have loved to have seen her in the heart of her beloved 2nd society, in the embrace of friends who cherished her & family who adored her - her unique self, shining.  

Thank you, Australia, for giving Mom so much of what I longed to offer & couldn't.  Without her experiences on your sunny shores, she would have enjoyed a good life.  With them, her days shifted, gracing her with - to quote one of her beloved books - a fortunate life.  G'd on ya!